And no, he''s not going to whine about it
In fact, he''s not going to dwell on the negative aspects of turning 50 at all, like the weight gain that results from merely watching food commercials, or that you discover random hairs sprouting from unexpected sectors of your body. Instead, Dave is going to make all of you out there under the half-century mark envious with a rundown of the advantages of turning 50. For instance, you know all those newspaper articles about Middle East turmoil you read because you think you should? Dave doesn''t read ''em, because with his eyes he can''t! And you know all that energy you expend trying to look and sound hip? Dave doesn''t, because after 50 it''s hopeless and he''s through trying to be one of the Boyz N the Burbz.And Dave writes not only about being 50, but also about 50 years of inventions (Oreos, Silly Putty), arts (Howdy Doody, TV commercials), politics (the Cold War, the Cold War, and more of the Cold War), and other baby boomer nostalgia. So call Dave and let him know how much you''re looking forward to reading Dave Barry Turns 50. But not right now--he''s sleeping.Ten Signs That You Might Be Losing It1. You tend to forget things.2. When you drive your car, you notice that people yell at you a lot. Often, these people are lying on your hood.3. On more than one occasion, while shaving, you have noticed that your razor seemed kind of dull. Upon closer examination, your razor turned out to be your toothbrush.4. You''re always searching for the right word or name. You''ll be telling an anecdote, and you''ll get stuck on a name, and you''ll tell your listeners: "You know! That guy! With the thing! He has that thing! That guy!" And everybody will start trying to guess who you''re talking about, as if you''re playing charades, and finally, after ten minutes of this, it will turn out that the name you''re trying to remember is: "The Pope." By this time, of course, you have no recollection of the original anecdote. 5. You sometimes address your spouse as "General Eisenhower."6. You tend to forget things.7. You sometimes wear a bathrobe to the office.8. And it isn''t your office.9. It isn''t your bathrobe, either.10. You tend to forget things.